Defining Your Values

Defining Your Values

Leaving a faith tradition like the LDS Church often creates a vacuum where once defined values, roles, and purposes were given to you by the church. Rebuilding your identity outside of this framework is not about abandoning meaning but rediscovering and redefining it. This process begins with identifying what truly matters to you and aligning your life with those values.

Exploring What Matters Most Outside a Religious Framework

1. Reflect on Core Principles

Reflecting on core principles is essential because it allows you to strip away external influences and focus on the foundation of who you are. When leaving a faith tradition, it can be disorienting to lose the perceived structure that previously dictated your values. Churches often claim to be providing the framework for all values, while often only providing one value—obedience. The positive behaviors around family, compassion, etc. were really just offshoots of obedience and could be steamrolled at any time to achieve the church’s goal. This can go further where an individual can even feel like they have lost their meaning and purpose if they lose belief in a church. But if the meaning and purpose of life can be boiled down to obedience, so that you can have divine rewards, this isn’t a meaning and purpose that will help navigate life in a manner that is most meaningful to you.

By consciously identifying your core principles, you reclaim agency over your life. This practice helps ensure that your decisions and priorities are guided by what genuinely resonates with you, rather than by inherited expectations or fear of judgment.

1. • Ask yourself: What principles guide the way I want to live? What brings me joy, fulfillment, and peace?
   • Consider values such as compassion, creativity, curiosity, fairness, or family.

Here are some typical examples:

1. • Example: Someone leaving a church might have previously valued obedience as a core principle but now finds they prioritize authenticity or intellectual honesty instead.
   • Example: A person who was once focused on preparing for the next life (eternal salvation) may realize they now value living in the present and making the most of this life.
   • Example: Instead of relying on a church to define what is right or wrong, someone may explore ethical philosophy, such as secular humanism, which emphasizes compassion, well-being, and reducing harm as guiding moral principles.

2. Examine Past Influences

Examining past influences helps you untangle the beliefs and values that shaped you. This process provides an opportunity to consciously decide which aspects of your upbringing still hold meaning and which no longer serve your well-being. By understanding the origins of your values, you can honor the positive lessons from your past while releasing harmful patterns or limiting beliefs. This critical reflection bridges the gap between where you’ve been and where you want to go, allowing you to move forward with clarity and intention.

1. • Identify which values from your religious upbringing still resonate and which you feel ready to release.
   • Consider reviewing the rules or commandments that resonated with you and ask what values were in those rules or commandments. Consider the rules and commandments that you balked at and ask what values you believe they violated.
   • Example: You might retain a commitment to service while letting go of beliefs tied to guilt or fear.

Here are some examples:

1. • Example: A former member might realize they no longer resonate with the idea that suffering is a divine test, instead embracing a mindset that views challenges as natural and manageable parts of life.
   • Example: Many who leave a high-demand religion feel guilty for questioning authority. Recognizing that this guilt is based on conditioned fear rather than actual wrongdoing can be a key step in redefining values.
   • Example: Someone may have spent years prioritizing church callings over family time but now sees that being present with loved ones is a more meaningful value than institutional service.

3. Look to New Sources of Inspiration

Looking to new sources of inspiration is crucial because it opens the door to fresh perspectives and ideas. Stepping outside the confines of a single religious framework allows you to explore diverse philosophies, cultures, and ideologies that might resonate more deeply with your evolving identity. This exploration can spark creativity and growth, helping you to construct a worldview that aligns with your values and goals. By seeking inspiration beyond your previous beliefs, you cultivate a sense of wonder and possibility in your journey of self-discovery.

1. • Explore philosophy, literature, or science for frameworks that resonate with your emerging identity.
   • Example: The humanist emphasis on shared humanity or existentialist views on creating personal meaning might speak to you.

Here are some examples:

1. • Example (Book): Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl argues that purpose is found through relationships, meaningful work, and personal growth rather than an external divine plan. This contrasts with a church teaching that ultimate purpose is achieving exaltation.
   • Example (Philosophy): The Buddhist concept of impermanence teaches that life is ever-changing, which can help those transitioning out of a high-demand religion to find peace in uncertainty rather than fear it.
   • Example (Science & Nature): A person might find awe and meaning in cosmology—understanding their connection to the vast universe—rather than relying on religious narratives about creation.
   • Example (Personal Development): Many people turn to the Stoic philosophy of controlling what you can and letting go of what you can't as a guiding principle for navigating life after faith.

4. Embrace Uncertainty and Exploration

Embracing uncertainty and exploration is vital because leaving a structured belief system often brings discomfort and ambiguity. However, uncertainty also provides the freedom to redefine yourself without rigid constraints. Exploring new roles, ideas, and perspectives fosters personal growth and resilience, allowing you to approach life with curiosity instead of fear. Accepting that your values may evolve over time gives you permission to make mistakes, learn, and adapt as you navigate uncharted territory. This flexibility empowers you to live authentically, even in the face of the unknown. Having values based decisions means that you don’t rely on hard rules, but it also means versatility in the face of the ambiguity that reality already has. You become more confident with the gray than you could ever be in a black and white world where obedience is the only value. This also allows you to learn from your mistakes and adjust. In churches when the main value is obedience, a member may find themselves giving excuses as to why obeying the rules didn’t end well instead of looking at the underlying values.

1. • Recognize that your values might evolve over time as you continue to grow and learn.
   • Give yourself permission to try on new roles, perspectives, or ways of living without fear of "getting it wrong."

Here are some examples:

1. • Example: A former member who avoided coffee and alcohol due to the Word of Wisdom might try them for the first time—not as rebellion, but as a way to decide for themselves what they enjoy or don’t.
   • Example: Someone who never missed church on Sundays might experiment with alternative ways to spend that time, such as hiking, meditation, or attending a secular community gathering.
   • Example: A person who previously tithed to the church might explore different ways of giving back, such as donating to humanitarian organizations that align with their values.
   • Example: If honesty is a new core value, a person might set a goal to speak openly about their beliefs, even when it feels uncomfortable, rather than avoiding tough conversations.
   • Example: If community is important but church attendance is no longer fulfilling, someone might seek out book clubs, social activism groups, or local meetups to create new social connections.
   • Example: If mental well-being is a core value, someone may establish boundaries with believing family members to avoid guilt-based pressure to return to church.

Creating a Personal Manifesto for Your New Life

A manifesto is a declaration of intent—a roadmap for the life you wish to build. It’s not about rigid rules but rather a guiding vision that reflects your authentic self.

1. Write Your Mission Statement

Creating a personal mission statement helps distill your core principles into a clear, concise expression of what matters most to you. This process is particularly valuable for those leaving a religious framework because it provides a foundation for identity and purpose that isn’t dependent on external institutions. By articulating your values, you gain clarity and direction, which can guide your decisions and help you feel grounded during uncertain times.

Your mission statement isn’t about perfection or finality—it’s a starting point for intentional living. It can also serve as an anchor, helping you align your daily actions with your deeper purpose. Consider writing it as a brief, uplifting declaration that inspires you to live authentically and meaningfully.

1. • Begin with a concise summary of your guiding principles.
   • Example: “I strive to live a life of curiosity, kindness, and courage, prioritizing authenticity and connection.”

2. Identify Key Areas of Focus

Breaking your manifesto into specific domains provides structure and practicality, making it easier to translate values into action. This approach is helpful because it allows you to reflect on different aspects of your life and ensure your values are integrated holistically.

For example, focusing on relationships, career, and personal growth encourages balance and prevents overemphasis on one area at the expense of others. It also gives you the freedom to tailor your manifesto to your unique needs and circumstances. By identifying areas that resonate most with your current priorities, you can create a roadmap that feels both achievable and impactful.

1. • Break down your manifesto into specific domains, such as: relationships, career, personal growth, community, and leisure.
   • Example: In relationships: “I will nurture connections that are honest and reciprocal.” In personal growth: “I will pursue learning and creativity with passion.”

3. Set Intentions, Not Absolutes

Setting intentions rather than absolutes helps cultivate flexibility and self-compassion—two crucial elements when redefining your values. This principle is especially liberating for those transitioning from high-control belief systems, where rigid expectations often dominate.

Intentions focus on progress rather than perfection, encouraging a growth mindset. They acknowledge the inevitability of mistakes while empowering you to strive for alignment with your values. This approach not only reduces guilt and self-criticism but also reinforces the idea that your manifesto is a living document, evolving as you grow and adapt.

1. • Avoid perfectionism. Your manifesto is a living document, open to revision as you change and learn.
   • Example: Replace “I must always be compassionate” with “I will strive to act compassionately, even when it’s difficult.”

4. Create Rituals to Reinforce Your Values

Rituals provide tangible ways to connect with your values on a daily or weekly basis, grounding your intentions in practice. When stepping away from a faith tradition, the absence of established rituals can leave a void, but this also presents an opportunity to create meaningful practices tailored to your new framework.

You might consider reverse engineering the rituals you had in religion. What message might a secular member take from a ritual? Once you’ve identified this, you can get creative and think of actions that could remind you of your values, build a story or narrative around a new ritual, and build something tailored to your values and purpose.

These rituals don’t have to be elaborate. Simple acts like journaling about your intentions, meditating on your values, or creating a visual reminder of your goals can help reinforce your guiding principles. Rituals act as consistent touchpoints, helping you stay aligned with your values even during life’s chaos or challenges.

1. • Develop practices that remind you of your guiding principles, such as journaling, meditating, or creating a vision board.

5. Revisit and Revise Regularly

Revisiting and revising your manifesto ensures it remains relevant and reflective of your growth. This principle is particularly empowering because it acknowledges that values, priorities, and circumstances evolve over time.

Regular reflection allows you to assess what’s working and what needs adjustment, helping you avoid stagnation. It’s a chance to celebrate progress, learn from setbacks, and realign your life with your authentic self. Scheduling intentional check-ins—monthly, quarterly, or annually—creates space to refine your vision and stay connected to what truly matters.

1. • Schedule time to reflect on your manifesto. What’s working? What feels outdated? How have you grown?
   • Let this process keep your life aligned with what truly matters.

Reflection: Living with Purpose Beyond the Church

Defining your values outside a religious framework can feel like constructing a home without a blueprint. But it also offers the exhilarating freedom to design a life uniquely your own.

Your values become the foundation, and your manifesto the architecture, ensuring your life reflects the authenticity and autonomy you’ve worked so hard to achieve. By grounding yourself in what truly matters, you’ll find clarity and resilience to navigate the complexities of a life rebuilt on your terms.

Defining your values outside a religious framework is a transformative journey, offering the chance to reclaim your identity and create a life guided by authenticity and purpose. While the process may feel daunting at first, it’s also a profound act of self-discovery and empowerment.

Your values become the foundation of this new chapter, and your manifesto serves as the blueprint. Together, they help you navigate life with clarity, resilience, and intention, ensuring that your path reflects the person you’ve worked so hard to become.

In embracing this journey, you’re not just rebuilding—you’re creating a life uniquely your own, filled with meaning and guided by the principles that resonate most deeply with your heart and soul.