The High Cost of Inauthenticity: Reclaiming Yourself in a Mormon Faith Crisis

The High Cost of Inauthenticity: Reclaiming Yourself in a Mormon Faith Crisis

To navigate a faith crisis in Mormonism is to walk the tightrope of vulnerability and identity. It’s a journey that often collides with relationships and expectations—pressures that can compel a person to suppress their true self. But the cost of inauthenticity is steep, and its weight, carried too long, can fracture the foundation of mental health. If you’ve remained silent about your disbelief to protect others, you may already feel the toll in creeping depression, anxiety, or the hollow ache of disconnect. This silence, well-intentioned though it may be, can act like a dam, holding back the vital flow of your true self.

A Silent Self-Martyr

The idea of a valiant and silent self-martyrdom is damaging. Someone with a heartfelt connection would not want you to destroy yourself so that they didn’t have to feel bad. Right now, it might seem like a noble sacrifice, but when the other person discovers the truth, it often undermines the very goal the silence was intended to achieve.

Imagine this: You have a close friend whom you deeply love and cherish. After their passing, you are entrusted with their personal journals. As you read, you uncover your friend struggled with crippling depression for years, stemming from a profound loss. In their entries, they explain that they hid this from you because they saw how happy you always seemed and didn’t want their pain to cast a shadow over your life.

How would you feel? Would you be relieved that they didn’t “burden” you with their struggles? Or would you feel regret, wishing they had trusted you enough to share their pain? Would you question their decision to keep this from you? Would you feel betrayed or devastated, wondering if they doubted your capacity to love and accept them fully—even in their darkest moments? Might you begin to re-examine the relationship you thought you had, questioning the authenticity of the connection you shared? Would you long for the chance to go back and assure them that their pain would never have diminished your love for them?

Now, take this a step further: if your response is relief or appreciation for their silence, what does that say about your beliefs about love and connection? Do you truly believe that love is about shielding others from discomfort, even at the cost of authenticity? If so, do you also believe that others are incapable of handling your pain or doubts? That they are not strong enough, loving enough, or willing enough to sacrifice for you in the way you might sacrifice for them?

When we hide parts of ourselves—our doubts, our struggles, our true beliefs—to protect those we love, we deny them the opportunity to show us the depth of their love and resilience. We diminish their ability to engage in the kind of mutual sacrifice and understanding that deepens relationships. Instead, we keep them at arm’s length, prioritizing their comfort over authenticity. But does this truly protect the relationship, or does it weaken it by building it on a foundation of partial truths?

In the context of a Mormon faith crisis, this question becomes deeply personal. By hiding your doubts or unbelief, are you preserving the relationship, or are you underestimating your loved ones? Are you assuming they lack the capacity to love you through your pain or doubts? And in doing so, are you depriving them—and yourself—of the opportunity to build a relationship rooted in honesty, mutual respect, and unconditional love?

Authenticity may feel risky, but inauthenticity carries a far greater cost. It prevents the kind of deep, vulnerable connection that allows relationships to thrive. And it robs both you and your loved ones of the chance to experience the profound love that comes when we accept each other fully—not despite our struggles, but because of the strength it takes to face them together.

Inauthenticity’s Hidden Wound

When you suppress your true beliefs, you create an internal division. You force your Unconditioned Self—the authentic, joyful core of who you are—into exile. Robert Holden, Ph.D., in Be Happy, describes this state as “living in exile,” a condition where you become a stranger to yourself and to the world. It’s as if you’re playing a role in someone else’s life, detached from your own essence.

The emotional fallout is profound. Psychologists recognize inauthenticity breeds cognitive dissonance, a tension between your actions and your beliefs. This dissonance erodes your mental health like slow-acting poison. Depression, self-doubt, and feelings of inadequacy emerge not because you are fundamentally broken, but because you’ve abandoned the truth of who you are. A person who is living inauthentically is voluntarily and conscientiously taking on cognitive dissonance. Choosing to live in this space for too long is extremely damaging, with virtually no ways to alleviate the dissonance. Pretending to believe can be as suffocating as living in a house without air.

The Psychological Costs of Inauthenticity

Research consistently shows that living inauthentically—whether in relationships, work, or faith—extracts a heavy psychological toll. The core wound of inauthenticity is not simply the suppression of truth, but the erosion of self. Choosing silence may feel like a noble sacrifice, but it comes at a cost. When your external life diverges from your internal reality, the resulting strain manifests in numerous ways:

1. Emotional Exhaustion and Burnout

Pretending to be someone you’re not requires constant emotional labor. Psychologist Christina Maslach, a pioneer in burnout research, notes that emotional exhaustion is a hallmark of burnout, often triggered by environments where individuals feel they cannot be themselves. For someone in a faith crisis, this might look like:

• Forcing smiles at church while internally grappling with disbelief.
• Nodding along to lessons that conflict with your core values
• Giving public prayers when you see no value in it
• Maintaining the church party lines during conversations with family
• Publicly affirming the decisions of family to continue to commit to the organization

Over time, this charade depletes emotional reserves, leaving you chronically drained and disengaged.

2. Anxiety and Hypervigilance

Living inauthentically fosters a persistent fear of being “found out.” This anxiety stems from the need to maintain a facade, often leading to hypervigilance about your words and actions. Psychologist Harriet Lerner, in The Dance of Connection, explains that hiding parts of yourself creates a chronic state of stress, as the mind is perpetually monitoring for potential exposure.

3. Erosion of Self-Worth

When you repeatedly suppress your beliefs, you internalize a damaging message: Who I am is not acceptable. This message corrodes self-esteem, making you feel small, unworthy, or inherently flawed. Brené Brown’s work on shame highlights this phenomenon, emphasizing that shame thrives in secrecy. She says, “Shame thrives on secrecy, silence, and judgement. Shame can’t survive being spoken.” Shame is highly, highly correlated with addiction, depression, violence, aggression, bullying, suicide, and eating disorders. Living inauthentically feeds shame, reinforcing the belief that you must hide who you are to be loved or accepted. Vulnerability is not weakness. Vulnerability is emotional risk, exposure, uncertainty and is the most accurate measurement of our courage, according to Brené Brown. There is also potential that it could inadvertently degrade relationships by subconsciously implying that the other people are incapable of such unconditional love and are therefore not good people.

4. Increased Risk of Depression

The disconnection between your inner and outer life creates a persistent sense of dissatisfaction and hopelessness. According to research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, individuals who frequently suppress their true selves, meaning they actively hide or downplay their authentic thoughts and feelings, are more likely to experience symptoms of depression; essentially, the act of not expressing one's true self can contribute to depressive states (see also study here: Emotional Regulation and Depression). This is particularly true for individuals in high-control environments, like strict religious communities, where dissent or difference is often perceived as rebellion or betrayal and being inauthentic in favor of the given mold is rewarded.

5. Physical Health Consequences

The mind-body connection means that the psychological strain of inauthenticity can spill over into physical health. Chronic stress, fueled by suppressing your true self, is linked to a host of physical ailments, including:

• Cardiovascular problems.
• Compromised immune function.
• Sleep disturbances.

Studies on emotional authenticity, like those by Dr. James Pennebaker, suggest that people who express their true thoughts and feelings enjoy better health outcomes.

6. Diminished Sense of Purpose

When you silence yourself, you cede control over your narrative and life choices. In the case of staying silent because of religion, you are ceding your autonomy to the very organization that is oppressing you. Instead of actively shaping your future, you may feel you're living reactively, conforming to the expectations or demands of others rather than pursuing what genuinely fulfills you.

Living authentically often means pursuing a life aligned with your passions and values. Silence can lead to a lack of clarity or direction, as you focus on maintaining appearances rather than exploring what gives your life meaning and purpose.

The Social and Relational Costs

7. Superficial Relationships

Inauthenticity creates walls between you and others. Suppressing your true self creates an invisible barrier between you and your loved ones. They can sense the disconnection, even if they don’t know its cause. While you may appear to connect, the lack of vulnerability prevents deeper bonds. As Brené Brown’s research underscores, true connection requires showing up as your full, unedited self. By hiding your truth, you deny loved ones the chance to know the real you, resulting in relationships that feel shallow or performative. When the loved one finds out later, it may feel like a betrayal to find out that they were kept in the dark or they may feel you didn’t trust them.

Silence deprives others of the chance to understand and grow through your experiences. Sharing, at the right time, can foster empathy and challenge others to reflect on their beliefs and assumptions. By staying silent, you deny them an opportunity to see a different perspective and potentially evolve themselves. When you stay silent, you limit opportunities for meaningful dialogue with others who might challenge or enrich your perspective. Silence reinforces echo chambers and discourages intellectual and emotional exploration, keeping you confined within a limited worldview. Silence also reinforces the echo chambers of your loved ones, denying them the opportunity for growth and understanding.

8. Compromised Integrity

When your words and actions conflict with your beliefs, your sense of integrity weakens. This can lead to internal guilt and a fractured sense of morality. Philosopher and psychologist Carl Rogers referred to this as “incongruence,” where the disparity between your authentic self and your external behavior causes inner turmoil and a loss of personal alignment. Over time, this misalignment can erode your sense of integrity and self-respect, as you may feel you are living a facade or betraying your true self.

When you avoid speaking what you believe is true, unresolved issues often fester. Over time, minor conflicts can escalate into major rifts, and unspoken doubts or disagreements may lead to long-term estrangement or regret. If you can’t be authentic, sometimes you explode more forcefully in more private arenas. And that can potentially be problematic.

9. Stunted Personal Growth

Authenticity is the soil in which personal growth thrives. When you live inauthentically, you stunt your development by prioritizing external approval over internal evolution. This can leave you feeling stuck, unfulfilled, and unable to explore your full potential. By prioritizing conformity or avoiding conflict, you may miss opportunities to learn, evolve, and deepen your understanding of yourself and the world.

The Liberation of Authentic Living

Conversely, choosing authenticity—while often daunting—can be transformative. For many, the moment they reclaim their authenticity, their joy returns. Research backs this up: authentic living fosters:

• Increased life satisfaction.
• Deeper relationships.
• Greater resilience to life’s challenges.

Ultimately, while the price of inauthenticity is steep, the rewards of embracing your true self are immeasurable. By courageously stepping into your truth, you not only heal the hidden wounds of inauthenticity but also unlock a life of meaning, connection, and freedom.

Why Authenticity Matters

Authenticity is not merely a preference; it’s a lifeline for your emotional and mental well-being. Psychologist Robert Holden asserts that happiness and authenticity are deeply intertwined. Happiness is inseparable from being true to yourself because living out of alignment with your values and beliefs creates an emotional dissonance that undermines your sense of self. To be inauthentic is to live a divided life—one in which your inner truth and outward actions are at odds. Imagine your true self as a unique song—rich, layered, and unmistakably yours. When you suppress your truth, that song is muted, replaced by a melody that doesn’t resonate with your soul. Over time, the disconnection between your inner and outer worlds can lead to feelings of emptiness, dissatisfaction, or even despair.

But authenticity is not just about self-fulfillment; it’s also about fostering genuine connection. Brené Brown, a researcher known for her work on vulnerability and connection, has demonstrated that relationships deepen when we show up as our true selves, imperfections and all. Vulnerability, she argues, is the birthplace of love, belonging, and connection. When you hide your disbelief—or any significant part of yourself—you may think you’re protecting your loved ones from discomfort, conflict, or disappointment. However, what you’re truly building are walls that create emotional distance. Those walls can keep you from the intimacy and support you need, leaving you feeling isolated and misunderstood even among those closest to you. Worse, those closest to you don’t even know it, because you didn’t give them the option to have a deeper, more nuanced, more understanding relationship with you.

Being authentic is an act of courage because it requires stepping into uncertainty and risking judgment or rejection. Yet, it is through this bravery that you invite others to see and love the real you. Authenticity challenges the idea that we must fit into prescribed molds or meet societal expectations to be accepted. Instead, it frees us to embrace the complexity and beauty of our individuality—and to inspire others to do the same.

Choosing authenticity doesn’t mean disregarding the feelings or perspectives of others. It means honoring yourself while also approaching conversations with compassion and empathy. By doing so, you create space for mutual understanding and a deeper, more honest connection that enriches both your life and the lives of those around you.

In a world that often pressures us to conform, authenticity is a radical and liberating act. It is an invitation to live fully, to connect meaningfully, and to find peace knowing that you are living a life that truly reflects who you are and what you believe.

Reclaiming Your Authentic Self

If the weight of inauthenticity has become unbearable, know that reclaiming your genuine self is not only possible but transformative. Here’s how:

1. Start with Self-Compassion

Before you can share your truth with others, extend compassion to yourself. Recognize that your silence stems from love and fear, not weakness. Practicing self-compassion allows you to approach your journey with gentleness rather than judgment.

2. Name Your Beliefs

Privately articulate your beliefs. Write them down or speak them aloud when you’re alone. This act of naming solidifies your beliefs and lessens the power of silence. This also helps crystalize and define your current beliefs deeper. This better allows you to articulate them when you choose to share, and also allows you to explore the nuance and complexity of your worldview.

3. Find Safe Spaces

Seek out communities or individuals who can support you without judgment. This might include a therapist familiar with faith transitions or online groups—spaces where authenticity is celebrated and safeguarded.

4. Practice Vulnerability in Small Steps

Begin sharing your true self with those who feel safest. This might be a trusted friend or a spouse who has shown empathy in the past. Vulnerability is a muscle; start small and build your strength. This will also often start to build the very support network that will help you if you do have a negative experience being authentic with someone. Finding those who accept you as you are will help you better respond to those that choose not to accept you.

5. Acknowledge the Ripple Effect

Being authentic doesn’t guarantee that everyone will accept your true self, but it opens the door to deeper, more genuine connections with those who do.

Expanding the list to move beyond the initial steps of authenticity and into a fuller embrace of one’s true self, particularly in contexts like church and family, involves deeper self-discovery, courageous action, and deliberate navigation of complex relationships. To move beyond the initial steps, the list could be extended:

6. Evaluate Your Values and Priorities

Reflect on what matters most to you. Consider your core values, personal goals, and the relationships that bring you joy and meaning. Ask yourself:

• What kind of life aligns with my beliefs?
• What am I willing to risk to live authentically?

By clarifying your values, you can prioritize the aspects of your life that matter most, making it easier to make decisions about where and how to show up authentically.

7. Develop a Strategy for Disclosure

Authenticity doesn't mean sharing everything with everyone all at once. Instead, create a thoughtful plan for how and when to share your true self, especially with loved ones and church communities.

• Identify the people who are ready to hear what you believe and those who may need more time.
• Consider the timing and setting to foster constructive conversations.
• Prepare to explain your journey with empathy for their perspective, even if it differs from your own.

8. Embrace Boundaries

Authenticity requires boundaries to protect your emotional well-being. This includes respecting others’ boundaries as well. Decide what topics you’re willing to discuss and what is off-limits. Communicate these boundaries respectfully but firmly. For example:

• “I respect your faith journey, and I ask that you respect mine. I’m happy to share my thoughts if you’re open to a mutual exchange of ideas.”

Learning to say no and standing firm in your beliefs, even in the face of pushback, reinforces your authenticity.

9. Take Action to Align Your Life

Living authentically often involves aligning your daily choices with your beliefs. This may include reevaluating church participation, family traditions, or community roles. Consider these steps:

• Gradually reduce activities that feel inauthentic, such as attending church services or accepting callings that conflict with your values.
• Introduce new rituals or practices that align with your beliefs and bring you joy.
• Seek opportunities to contribute to communities that reflect your evolving identity.

10. Develop Resilience for Pushback

Not everyone will understand or accept that you believe differently, and that’s okay. Building resilience helps you navigate criticism, rejection, or disappointment.

• Practice self-validation by reminding yourself of why authenticity matters.
• Seek support from your safe spaces when facing challenges.
• Remember that other people’s reactions are about them, not you.

11. Cultivate Compassionate Conversations

When discussing your authenticity with family or church members, focus on connection rather than confrontation. Approach conversations with curiosity, openness, and love:

• Use “I” statements to explain your journey without blaming others (e.g., “I’ve felt a strong need to explore what I truly believe”).
• Validate their emotions, even if they don’t validate yours.
• Acknowledge common ground to maintain relationships where possible.

12. Reimagine Your Community

If some relationships diminish due to your authenticity, invest in building new ones that honor your true self. Seek out like-minded people through shared interests, hobbies, or values. Authenticity thrives when surrounded by supportive connections.

13. Redefine Your Spirituality

Leaving an institution like the LDS Church doesn’t mean abandoning spirituality altogether (unless that feels right for you). Explore what spirituality—or a meaningful life—means to you outside the confines of previous beliefs. You might consider that the tools and experiences of religion can be engaged with even secularly. Consider practices such as:

• Meditation, mindfulness, or nature immersion.
• Journaling or creating art as self-expression.
• Participating in secular communities that promote connection and growth.
• Realize emotional experiences don’t equal uncovering cosmic truth. You do not have to attach any belief to an experience. You do not need to tether profound experiences to “truth”. You can just enjoy the experience. You do not need to fear spiritual experiences as gateways to manipulation. You do not need to dismiss prior spiritual experiences. You can affirm the reality of that experience and not attach any truth claims to it.

14. Celebrate Milestones

Living authentically is a journey, not a destination. Recognize and celebrate the progress you make along the way, no matter how small. Each step toward authenticity—whether it’s setting a boundary, sharing your story, or finding a new community—is a victory worth honoring.

15. Embrace the Freedom to Be Fully You

Authenticity is ultimately about living a life that feels aligned with who you truly are. As you grow into this freedom, you may discover unexpected sources of joy, fulfillment, and connection. By fully embracing your truth, you set an example for others to do the same, creating a ripple effect of authenticity and courage.

The Freedom of Living Authentically

The day you step into authenticity, even tentatively, is the day you begin to reclaim your happiness. You may find that the journey to authenticity leads not only to joy but also to self-realization. You might even find yourself saying to yourself, “This is the most me I have ever felt.”

To live authentically in the aftermath of a Mormon faith crisis is an act of rebellion against despair, conformity, and external validation—it’s an act of love. Love for yourself, for your relationships, and for the truth that sets you free.